Al fatihah

Tak sangka ramei jugak yg tak suka ngan TK ni. Walaupun ada 1,2 komen yg membina, komen yg lain2 mcm sial jerk. Ada yg kutuk sampai kata padan la TK mampos. Ntah la. Aku buat keputusan takkan letak komen2 sebegitu. Kalau pun TK heboh dlm blog dia pasal nak bunuh diri, bukannya nak kaco org lain pun. Setidak2 nyer sedekah jer la al-Fatihah pastu gi main jauh2. Ni tak pulak, nak menyumpah seranah walaupun org tu dah mati. Apa nak jadi dgn dunia ni.

In memoriam...

This is TK's friend updating this blog on his behalf. TK passed away a few weeks ago and hopefully is resting in peace. Before his death, he assigned the administration of this blog to me via email. He even wrote this entry and put a special request for me to update this blog on his behalf. He also asked me to set this blog for public viewing, and check on the comments, if there's any. It is up to me to further update this blog in future. Unfortunately, I am not a blogger myself and I dont have interesting stories to tell. So it is likely that I will just come here from time to time to check and approve the comments.

As to how or why TK chose to end his life, we can only guess from his writings here. I am saddened by his action but I also know life for the rest of us has to move on. In his final message, he once again apologise to all his frens and readers, and hope you will forgive his past misdeeds. Al-fatihah.

Btw, although my ID is TEB, I am not TEB. The real TEB is too upset to take over the blog, and I am the alternative person appointed by TK. So, here I am, trying to pretend to be someone already dead.

The final moments already here

After giving it a long thot over the past few weeks, I told myself to just fuck it. This will be my last blog entry before I rest in peace. I'm at my most vulnerable stage now and I dont think I will ever recover from the breakup. Sure, other gays have suffered much worst experience, but I'm not as strong as them. I might sound normal from my writings, but deep down inside I'm soft and unstable.

As far as the comments are concerned, I appreciate all the kind words of encouragement. But as I said many times before, those words will not bring TEB back. Please save it for someone who can listen. For those harsh insults, well, please remind me why these ppl even bother to comment in the first place. Still, I'll drop by the next few days to see the comments before I remove the entire blog by year end.

Farewell message and best wishes are welcomed. I hope you will forgive me for my wrongdoings in the past, like those hurtful or ignorant blog entries, and for wasting your time reading this blog. Rest assured that you have already heard the last of me here.

I must admit, I have this jittery feeling whether I shud proceed with my suicide plan or not. At first I wanted to blog my final moments here, but after those harsh comments, I think I better do it quietly. I should spend a few more days alone and let myself slide further into this misery. By then my grief will take control and I wont be able to use this blog as an excuse to turn back.

So long then....

After-life offerings

I never told anyone what happened on that disastrous day December the 4th, the day when it all ended. It actually started that weekend when TEB spent the Sunday evening at his parents. He didnt return home that nite and I didnt know anythg until I saw the text message from TEB on Tuesday afternoon. TEB has decided to listen to his parents and settle down.

I wont go down into the details how it all happened. TEB and myself knew this would happen when his mom first introduced him to a girl a few months back. My advice to TEB was, if he's not sure, just do what his mom wants. I know its to my own detriment, but I cant simply tell him to abandon his family just bcos of me. To most readers, this might sound like another typical Malay drama. Sceptics might even put a bet as to how long TEB can last. The real judge is neither of us, and I dont hate TEB for making that decision.

In his note, TEB told me this is what he wants, and he hope I'd accept it too. I cried for days after that. In the note, TEB did say somethg - that we may see each other again in the after-life if our love is real. If that is the case, then going into after-life now is not too bad an option.

The joy of public humiliation

I raised the issue of killing myself at an online gay forum the other day and was shocked to see the reaction from fellow gays. What was supposed to be a thread to share ideas turned out to be a battlefield against me. I dont understand why telling my break-up story with TEB can be considered as showing off. I rather have TEB back then getting attention from other people I hardly knew.

I know these people couldnt care less about me. But I didnt expect to receive threats and humiliation from them either. One guy wanted to check out my identity and `do something about it'. Even my own blog readers challenged me to proceed with my plan and dare me to do it. The thing about me is, I dont normally fall for public pressure, and will stick to my year-end timeline.

Despite the fact that many fellow gays want to see me dead, I wont hurry up just for their laugh. I will do it at my own pace when I'm ready. Even in the unlikely event that I stay alive, what difference would that make to them??

Btw, this is my last festive greeting to all. Happy Eid Adha.

Losing sleep, losing my mind, losing everything

Its 3am on a Tuesday morning. I woke up in the middle of the nite, only to realise that TEB is no longer next to me in bed. Actually I wasnt really sleeping, for some reason I just cant sleep on a working nite. God knows I just cannot get used to life alone like this. Earlier I deliberately avoid talking to the few gay frens that I have. I know it wont make any difference cos it wont bring TEB back. Sure, some would give words of encouragement and suggest near term solutions like going shopping, take a holiday or sleep with strangers. But these are just short term measures with short term results. At the end of the day, I still go back alone to the dull and empty house, only to be reminded of TEB again. I started off blogging as a pathetic gay guy five years ago. Until recently, I never thot I'll end this blog feeling more miserable than before. Life was supposed to be better after years of blogging, but it didnt. Today is Tuesday 18th, another 13 days to go.

Contrary to what most ppl thot, when I write about committing suicide, its not a showoff. Why would I admit the low point of my life as something that I'm proud of? Perhaps I wanna grab some attention or sympathy, but for what? Blogger of the year award? Or running a con scheme to get donation money? I might be going mental but I'm not stupid. At least not yet.

In the meantime, I've removed my contact details as I gradually cut myself off from the real world.

Five years blogging and things just got worst

This weekend was an exemplary of what to expect on my future weekends. I'm like one of those retired senior citizen who just lost his partner. All alone, kids grown up and days spent on servicing the wheelchair, collecting pension money and trying to remember where I last put my denture. No real energy to enjoy life - there's nothing to look forward to except the special seat on public transport, discount tickets to museums and death itself. Actually I dont see why I bother to update this blog in the first place. Sure, I still enjoy writing about things I do on weekends etc. But now I think its just no use. I've been blogging for more than five years now. I'm still as pathetic as I was back then. Nothing has changed. In fact I think I'm more fucked up now than before.