teekayandteb is dead

Al fatihah

2008-01-25T07:45:00.000+08:00

Tak sangka ramei jugak yg tak suka ngan TK ni. Walaupun ada 1,2 komen yg membina, komen yg lain2 mcm sial jerk. Ada yg kutuk sampai kata padan la TK mampos. Ntah la. Aku buat keputusan takkan letak komen2 sebegitu. Kalau pun TK heboh dlm blog dia pasal nak bunuh diri, bukannya nak kaco org lain pun. Setidak2 nyer sedekah jer la al-Fatihah pastu gi main jauh2. Ni tak pulak, nak menyumpah seranah walaupun org tu dah mati. Apa nak jadi dgn dunia ni.

In memoriam...

2008-01-19T13:22:00.000+08:00

This is TK's friend updating this blog on his behalf. TK passed away a few weeks ago and hopefully is resting in peace. Before his death, he assigned the administration of this blog to me via email. He even wrote this entry and put a special request for me to update this blog on his behalf. He also asked me to set this blog for public viewing, and check on the comments, if there's any. It is up to me to further update this blog in future. Unfortunately, I am not a blogger myself and I dont have interesting stories to tell. So it is likely that I will just come here from time to time to check and approve the comments.

As to how or why TK chose to end his life, we can only guess from his writings here. I am saddened by his action but I also know life for the rest of us has to move on. In his final message, he once again apologise to all his frens and readers, and hope you will forgive his past misdeeds. Al-fatihah.

Btw, although my ID is TEB, I am not TEB. The real TEB is too upset to take over the blog, and I am the alternative person appointed by TK. So, here I am, trying to pretend to be someone already dead.

The final moments already here

2007-12-22T00:37:00.000+08:00

After giving it a long thot over the past few weeks, I told myself to just fuck it. This will be my last blog entry before I rest in peace. I'm at my most vulnerable stage now and I dont think I will ever recover from the breakup. Sure, other gays have suffered much worst experience, but I'm not as strong as them. I might sound normal from my writings, but deep down inside I'm soft and unstable.

As far as the comments are concerned, I appreciate all the kind words of encouragement. But as I said many times before, those words will not bring TEB back. Please save it for someone who can listen. For those harsh insults, well, please remind me why these ppl even bother to comment in the first place. Still, I'll drop by the next few days to see the comments before I remove the entire blog by year end.

Farewell message and best wishes are welcomed. I hope you will forgive me for my wrongdoings in the past, like those hurtful or ignorant blog entries, and for wasting your time reading this blog. Rest assured that you have already heard the last of me here.

I must admit, I have this jittery feeling whether I shud proceed with my suicide plan or not. At first I wanted to blog my final moments here, but after those harsh comments, I think I better do it quietly. I should spend a few more days alone and let myself slide further into this misery. By then my grief will take control and I wont be able to use this blog as an excuse to turn back.

So long then....

After-life offerings

2007-12-21T07:10:00.000+08:00

I never told anyone what happened on that disastrous day December the 4th, the day when it all ended. It actually started that weekend when TEB spent the Sunday evening at his parents. He didnt return home that nite and I didnt know anythg until I saw the text message from TEB on Tuesday afternoon. TEB has decided to listen to his parents and settle down.

I wont go down into the details how it all happened. TEB and myself knew this would happen when his mom first introduced him to a girl a few months back. My advice to TEB was, if he's not sure, just do what his mom wants. I know its to my own detriment, but I cant simply tell him to abandon his family just bcos of me. To most readers, this might sound like another typical Malay drama. Sceptics might even put a bet as to how long TEB can last. The real judge is neither of us, and I dont hate TEB for making that decision.

In his note, TEB told me this is what he wants, and he hope I'd accept it too. I cried for days after that. In the note, TEB did say somethg - that we may see each other again in the after-life if our love is real. If that is the case, then going into after-life now is not too bad an option.

The joy of public humiliation

2007-12-20T09:53:00.000+08:00

I raised the issue of killing myself at an online gay forum the other day and was shocked to see the reaction from fellow gays. What was supposed to be a thread to share ideas turned out to be a battlefield against me. I dont understand why telling my break-up story with TEB can be considered as showing off. I rather have TEB back then getting attention from other people I hardly knew.

I know these people couldnt care less about me. But I didnt expect to receive threats and humiliation from them either. One guy wanted to check out my identity and `do something about it'. Even my own blog readers challenged me to proceed with my plan and dare me to do it. The thing about me is, I dont normally fall for public pressure, and will stick to my year-end timeline.

Despite the fact that many fellow gays want to see me dead, I wont hurry up just for their laugh. I will do it at my own pace when I'm ready. Even in the unlikely event that I stay alive, what difference would that make to them??

Btw, this is my last festive greeting to all. Happy Eid Adha.

Losing sleep, losing my mind, losing everything

2007-12-18T03:33:00.000+08:00

Its 3am on a Tuesday morning. I woke up in the middle of the nite, only to realise that TEB is no longer next to me in bed. Actually I wasnt really sleeping, for some reason I just cant sleep on a working nite. God knows I just cannot get used to life alone like this. Earlier I deliberately avoid talking to the few gay frens that I have. I know it wont make any difference cos it wont bring TEB back. Sure, some would give words of encouragement and suggest near term solutions like going shopping, take a holiday or sleep with strangers. But these are just short term measures with short term results. At the end of the day, I still go back alone to the dull and empty house, only to be reminded of TEB again. I started off blogging as a pathetic gay guy five years ago. Until recently, I never thot I'll end this blog feeling more miserable than before. Life was supposed to be better after years of blogging, but it didnt. Today is Tuesday 18th, another 13 days to go.

Contrary to what most ppl thot, when I write about committing suicide, its not a showoff. Why would I admit the low point of my life as something that I'm proud of? Perhaps I wanna grab some attention or sympathy, but for what? Blogger of the year award? Or running a con scheme to get donation money? I might be going mental but I'm not stupid. At least not yet.

In the meantime, I've removed my contact details as I gradually cut myself off from the real world.

Five years blogging and things just got worst

2007-12-16T23:49:00.000+08:00

This weekend was an exemplary of what to expect on my future weekends. I'm like one of those retired senior citizen who just lost his partner. All alone, kids grown up and days spent on servicing the wheelchair, collecting pension money and trying to remember where I last put my denture. No real energy to enjoy life - there's nothing to look forward to except the special seat on public transport, discount tickets to museums and death itself. Actually I dont see why I bother to update this blog in the first place. Sure, I still enjoy writing about things I do on weekends etc. But now I think its just no use. I've been blogging for more than five years now. I'm still as pathetic as I was back then. Nothing has changed. In fact I think I'm more fucked up now than before.

17 days to go

2007-12-14T13:43:00.000+08:00

Been doing a lot of thinking on my plan to commit suicide. My reasons are valid. Living this life is unbearable. I'm alone, vulnerable, desperate, and weak. I see no good reason to continue. But after days of thinking, I thot that if my current life is already awful, what guarantee do I have that my after-life would be a better one? The grass is greener on the other side only if u can feel and see them. If I have failed miserably in this life, why would my after-life be any better. Being born a loser doesnt mean that my after-life will be a ticket to success. May be I'm to be doomed both in this life and after-life.

I guess the solution is to never exist at all. Why cant I just be a piece of sand by the beach? Why cant I just dont exist at all?

No way home

2007-12-12T23:08:00.000+08:00

I'm still at lost now. But as a rational human being, I know that ending my life is a stupid solution. Especially if the reason is over someone like TEB who, over the years, wasnt entirely faithful to me. But thats only on the surface. Deep down inside we do feel a sense of connection and dependence. Any separation would be devastating, except if the motive is genuine. I cannot stop him if he wanted to settle to a life that he had chosen. I know it is the right path, a path that I myself not yet ready to pursue. I know TEB is happier this way, and in a perverse way I am happy for him too.

While killing myself over TEB may not be necessary at this stage, I have little reason to move on. I cannot live on hope, not at this age. And I know my life is cursed either way. Live or dead, it will not make any difference.

Hanging on a thread

2007-12-10T20:48:00.000+08:00

The only thing that stop me from killing myself now is this blog, and the fact that I have a couple of deadlines at work. I'm going mental but for some odd reason my blog and work are still my priorities. These two things are the only part that makes sense in my life. I dont know whether to cheer for having a job and a blog or just expedite my death cos the life that I have is just awful.

Perhaps I shud immediately disembowel myself from anythg gay. If I continue doing the gay stuff, I get more upset bcos I could only think of TEB. Say if I were to move on and date another guy - all I'd do is compare TEB with this guy. If I go to gay clubs I would end up looking for TEB even when I know he wont be there. If I'm alone at home, I shed tears for losing TEB. If I'm out with other gays, I long for TEB to be there.

Everythg I do, everywhere I look, I keep on coming back to TEB. Wat the fuck can I do to erase all this??

Suicide methods

2007-12-08T08:05:00.000+08:00

Someone told me I'm already into my slow death as I go into my 40s. Why bother ending it now when you are already dying slowly? I shud at least spend my retirement money first before I contemplate on killing myself. But by that time I'm already too old to enjoy retirement. And probably on my hospital bed waiting for it to happen. My so-called kids might kill me first if the elderly and senile uncle continues to bug them with ridiculous demands.

Another fren said that I'm are already dead. Your gay life is cursed, he said. Mind you, this fren is also gay and lives happily with his boyfren. A chat fren said typical suicide methods in Malaysia are jumping off tall buildings, drug overdose, hanging and jumping in front of fast-moving vehicles.

Called Befrienders and told them my predicament. They asked me to repent and forget about TEB. Tried to seek advise from a str8 fren, but I told the story in a hetero-friendly manner. The fren said women are opportunists but prostitutes are business-minded. Now I'm more confused cos it leaves me with little option.

I checked somewhere there are at least fifteen methods of suicide. But the list is not exhaustive cos there will always be new methods being explored. There are methods that are quite impossible to execute here, like shooting myself. Where would I find the gun? My aim is to find the most efficient method that gives the least pain. Cutting myself to bleed to death is very messy, and I dont think I like to see blood pouring out of me. Carbon monoxide poisoning is popular, but need to check the carbon emission level of my car.

I still have plenty of research to do. I'm hoping that someone can truly verify the most efficient method and help me make my decision. But how can they advise me if they're no longer alive.

Planning a suicide

2007-12-06T22:35:00.000+08:00

I plan to commit suicide as a solution to my problem. Life without TEB will never be the same. My life is now rock bottom, but the misery never seemed to end. It is still just a plan. I have a few weeks to consider before the new year. If I dont blog for more than five days, I probably have checked out already.

...

2007-12-04T21:02:00.000+08:00

I will need to take a break to decide what to do with the rest of my gay life. The news came like a ton of brick. I am too traumatised to think about what to say right now. The fact remains that TEB is now gone, possibly forever. I will need to re-assess my life again. I know the `straight' portion of my life will continue and I will bounce back sooner or later. But right now I dont know whether I could still hold it all together. TEB my love, I will always be here for u.

A busy day and a quiet evening

2007-12-02T08:06:00.000+08:00

Did a bit of survey and shopping of household equipment yesterday. Before that I sent TEB to the dentist to do his regular checks. Then we both went to the house to see its progress. Still a long way to go, in my view. When I recall someone telling me his reno work took 3 years, I didnt feel so bad about mine. I will only comment much more about the house once I can start blogging from there. Otherwise, little pieces of info like this is probably the only thing I can say. Then TEB left me there while I stayed on to discuss with the ID guy.

By the time I got back, TEB is getting ready to go to a fren's place in PJ somewhere. It was a quiet evening for me at home. I went surfing a bit and then watched this beauty contest show on TV. Cant remember who won cos I went to bed before it ended. When I got out of my room this morning I saw TEB sleeping on the sofa. I guess he didnt stay over in PJ last nite. Probably a bad date. Hehehe.

No pain no gain

2007-12-01T08:21:00.000+08:00

I make million dollar decisions at work, but when it comes to dinner plans, I just couldnt decide. Like last nite, I couldnt choose whether to have dinner in Pavillion, which has been my dinner place with TEB since last week, or to go to a simple cheap fast food like KFC. I got into a fight with TEB just for that. And we were all so quiet in the car on the way back. It was an awful ride home. I didnt even put on my Mariah Carey `Vision of Love' CD.

But the moment we reached home, I hug him from behind. We didnt say a word. He turned around and we just hugged each other for a good few minutes. Then we started kissing. Well, the rest of the nite turns out to be special. Dunno lar. In some weird way I thot having a fight is like a foreplay to a good sex afterwards. It felt like we needed to hurt each other to realise how much we adore each other. This morning when I woke up I saw scratch marks on my chest and my left shoulder, all arising from a torturous night that became awesome. Hmmm... I guess thats what they mean when they say love hurts.

The hurdles to the ultimate sex

2007-11-29T07:07:00.001+08:00

Asked TEB whether he wanted to input a word or two in this blog. After all, this blog is partly about him too. In fact, I wrote about him more than myself, except for a couple of racial issues that really touched my nerves. He should be made co-author and put down a few words from time to time. He refused, saying he prefers to write in Malay and hasnt got any idea what to write. I just laughed at it, telling him to write about science and maths since these two subjects are still taught in Malay.

Anyways, yesterday while at work TEB suddenly send a text message telling me to come home early and have sex. It cant get any more direct than that. I thot he was just teasing me cos normally we get too tired to do anythg after a long day at work. And sometimes though we made plans for an intimate evening, other things got in the way. Like the other nite, a fren joined us for dinner at TGI in Pavillion. He was actually an ex-scandal of TEB who now become `just friends'. Then we all went to the house to show the fren and see the progress of the reno work. By the time we reached home, it was almost 1.30am. We were too tired to even kiss each other goodnight.

Some applications of Hinderaf

2007-11-27T23:11:00.000+08:00

Again, I'm going all the way to promote the use of this exciting new word. Here are some examples.

Me: Meet me after office.
Him: Where? You always come late lar.
Me: I'm almost done lar. Just clearing emails.
Him: Ok la. I wait u at mamak stall.
Me: Mamak?
Him: That shop downstairs lar where we always have breakfast.
Me: Mamak?
Him: What the... Hinderaf stall.
Me: Ooo why didnt u say so. See u there.

-----

Me: hi
Him: hi
Me: wat per tu?
Him: xde per. u?
Me: bosan aaa. mind intro?
Him: 23 172 63 gym fit
Me: wow nice. u malay?
Him: no
Me: chi?
Him: no
Me: hinderaf????
Him: is that a problem for u?
Me: bye
Him: u motherf*&$#@
Computer says: no response from teekay

Introducing Hinderafs

2007-11-26T23:21:00.000+08:00

People at the office couldnt stop talking about yesterday's riot. All seem to make inferences that these so-called forced immigrants are just finding excuses to condemn what has been agreed upon in the constitution. Some things in history are meant to be that way, otherwise it wont be called history. Unfortunately, I had to endure another crap talk with this taxi driver while I was on my way to a business lunch in Hilton Sentral. If you think taxi drivers and rubber tappers are stupid, wait till you meet the lawyers, whom I met at that lunch. Again, another round of mindless attack on the govt, Umnoputra bla bla. Of course this cock-sucker is larger than me, and a close fren to my boss, so I better be friendly to him and shut up. All I can do is curse him in silence. Bloody keling.

But what transpired during dinner with a gay fren was interesting. Ironically, he has some Indian blood in him but now considers himself a born-again Muslim. We both agree that Hinderaf is now the new name for this breed of forced migrant workers and millionaire wannabee. Its more politically-correct term to use than the word keling. So let me take this opportunity to welcome the Hinderafs.

PS-Apologies for such deragotary remark on fellow Malaysians. But hey wait a minute, if they dont believe in the constitution, are they not Malaysians anymore??

A win-win solution, at no cost to us

2007-11-25T10:00:00.000+08:00

Overheard a talk about Indians wanting to sue the UK government for bringing them into Malaysia back in the 1850s. If the consequence of this is to have them deported back, then I'm all for it. I mean, if they are unhappy, then they deserve to get what they deserve. So, I'm hopeful that the settlement will not only make them richer, but also move them back to where they belong. Of course some reform will have to take place before we let them go, like land or asset reform to redistribute their wealth in this country, and also to protect them by not letting them come back here. We dont want them to suffer again if we allow them back, do we? They will also need to sign disclaimers on behalf of their descendents. Just as a precaution to make sure their future kids and grandkids will not sue us for sending them back. We dont want another demo 150 years down the road.

Life will be more peaceful - Indians will get what they deserve and move back to their beloved country, all at the expense of the Brits who will pay for damages done. I truely support this demo.

Now I'm thinking of suing my dead father for making me trap in a gay-man's body. Who knows, I can be str8 if the court allows it.

What I know will not harm them

2007-11-24T17:51:00.001+08:00

Life at work is becoming a routine. I've been doing the same thing for almost fifteen years. So my job is ingrained in me, quite the same way as how I live my life as a guy who likes gay guys. I dont consider my job as difficult. Of course there are times the pressure builds up, but since I am a professional and very smart at my job, I always find ways to overcome the problem and complete the task. My colleagues and bosses hardly put up a challenge on me when it comes to my core job, although sometimes office politics and favouritism work against me. I'm not eyeing the CEO job, so I dont expect bosses from other departments to consider me as a threat. I'm the playful officemate who does his job well. I also happen to be gay, but they dont know that yet.

New Heroes

2007-11-22T23:28:00.000+08:00

TEB downloaded the second season of Heroes since it started showing elsewhere around the globe. Something is just not right. It gets so confused and raised more questions. They created new characters and made existing characters more complicated. It made me wanna see more. And I realised that Peter Petrelli is getting cuter, while Claire Bennett's new boyfren is a hottie too. But out of them all, I still find Hiro Nakamura adorable. Hehehe. May be I'm getting old and my taste is no longer into young boys anymore. Or may be I live in a practical world where I just stop dreaming.

Land wanted

2007-11-18T21:34:00.000+08:00

Went to the site of a small piece of land in the East Coast. Its about 5-hour drive from KL and is within the government-endorsed ECER area. The land is not exactly beach-front cos there are a few vacant lots in between. I even had to cross the road to reach the other side to see the beach. The only reason I want to consider the land is because of its price. At less than RM5psf, it is a bargain. Sure, it comes with various restrictions like 80-year lease and Bumi status. I dont live forever, and I dont intend to re-sell it to non-Bumi. I think its the only option for me to own a home-not-far-from-the-beach, as oppose to a beach-front home. It sure as hell not as good as the real thing, but I know my limits. For now I have to put it on hold until I finish the re-construction of my KL home.

If readers can point out to any beach-front land within 200km radius from KL, I'd appreciate it very much. Preferably around 5000 sq ft area, Malay reserve is fine. Price is negotiable provided the land is just next to the beach, and has no threat of corrosion.

Budget 2008 series: Empowering the people through education

2007-11-17T23:13:00.000+08:00

Didnt do much today except the routine laundry, tidying up, and watching TV. Anyone who saw me online the entire weekend probably be asking about my motive. Its partly true that I'm feeling a bit lonely since TEB is away this weekend, but that's not the real reason. You see, I get a lot of ideas for this blog after chatting with other gay people. For some, chatting online is probably a waste of time and chatters are known to be either cocky or just plain idiot. For me its just a challenge to get the information I want. I'm kinda like doing a research for my phd, and this information is accumulated in my blog. I long to do my thesis on something entitled An in-depth study on sexual peculiarities and trends of gay men in modern Malaysia or The intensity of character-migration among urban gays: A case study on Windler's gay men hyphotheses, for example. I hope this would give me the much-needed doctorate in anthropology to support my career in financial services.

PS - Windler's gay men hyphotheses does not exist, in case one wonders.

Becoming the masses

2007-11-15T06:53:00.000+08:00

Nowadays being gay is not a unique phenomena anymore. It is as common as finding potholes in KL streets. Each turn you make there's bound to be fags, or at least dubious-looking str8 guys. These species are in shopping malls, offices, construction sites, fashion boutiques, mosques, banks, train stations, schools and universities - everywhere. They take on any profession - from moneyboys to VIPs, from designers to engineers, from students to teachers, stewards to astronauts. They take on any form - slim, fat, round, square, soft, hard, mouldy, tall, short, fit, bald. Today I saw at least four of them in my office building. And last nite on the way back I saw this cute guy driving an old pink Toyota. Sometimes my CEO can be a suspect too cos he once wore rainbow-colored tie to the office.

I cant be gay and expect to be special anymore.

Rejection made simple

2007-11-13T23:30:00.000+08:00

I remember those days when I was desperately looking for a job. That time I was much younger, and barely even gay. Often I get the following response that seems to be a nice way to reject me:

1. You dont have the edge that we are looking for.
2. I dont think this corporation can provide a future for you.
3. You seem to have the paper qualification for the job, but some experience would probably help.
4. You seem to have the experience for the job, but you can go far if you have the right qualification.
5. You dont speak Mandarin and you're not fair enough, but we need to fill the Bumi quota.
6. Your skills and experience are excellent, but you lack the soft aspects of the job.
7. We need someone who can work independently, although you have the human skills to work in a team.
8. We need someone who can work in a team, although you have the required skills to work independently.

At that time I thot I really had a chance and waited anxiously for a follow-up. Now I realised it was just sugar talk. Why cant he just say, "You're not my type. I cant see you anymore. Goodbye."

The living dead

2007-11-12T22:32:00.000+08:00

They say life begins at 40. I think thats true for str8 guys when maturity, wisdom, and most importantly, financial independence, are a turn-on for women. For gays, the term life ends at 35 is more appropriate. There's definitely no reincarnation at the age of 40, which I think would be more pathetic since you are born again at an old age. I have mentioned elsewhere that there is time limit for gays. Once you approach the 4th decade of your life, you're as good as being dead.

Broken promises

2007-11-11T07:02:00.000+08:00

I guess I blew it. I failed to deliver my promise of not updating this blog for weeks. I thot I could get away from it by taking extended weekends to concentrate on the house or take TEB away for a break. But as soon as I got back it didnt take a while before I log into this site again. I'm sorry I cant resist it.

A bit on politics, if I may

2007-11-10T13:29:00.000+08:00

I totally support the move to publish Lim Kit Siang's bad blog entry into RTM websites just to show how silly his remark can be. The thing about the opposition is, they simply oppose everything. I can point several cases on our former PM's large-scale projects for example. I remember decades ago when the idea of building the Penang Bridge first came about. LKS was telling the whole world how wasteful it'd be on the tax-payers money. Now after more than 20 years, on top of getting the old bridge widen, we need a second bridge to ensure a smooth flow to the island. So who's the idiot now? The government or LKS? I also remember almost 15 years ago the same guy complained about the KLCC project. If I stick to holding on to the shares until now, I would've doubled my money. Again I ask, who's the biggest fool in this country??

I think the biggest moron is the Umno-led government - for letting LKS talk out of his arse.

Happy Deepavali

2007-11-08T11:02:00.000+08:00

Drop by the cc just to fill an entry about Deepavali. I know I dont have Indian frens. I dont really fancy them, and I'm pretty sure they hate my attitute. The only contact I have with Indians is probably at the mamak shop when I order my teh tarik, or when I had to do my haircut on a tight budget. At work there are times when I had meetings with Indians on some transactions but thankfully we had our Legal department to deal with them. I dont talk to those programmers in the IT division. I remember meeting an Indian chatter long time ago who claimed to have an extraordinarily long asset, but it was one of the short-est meeting I ever had. I guess thats what a free country like Malaysia is all about - freedom for the men to dislike one another on the basis of preference.

The cc is getting crowded and I dont want my neighbour to read what I write. Ta ta for now.

Time off from blogging

2007-10-30T21:26:00.001+08:00

Got sick yesterday, and with that I got two days of MC. This morning, after sending TEB to work, I had breakfast in a coffee shop in KLCC. I joined a fren who happens to be having his bfast there as well. Then I went home and sleep the entire day. I missed my Zuhr prayers.

I will take a few weeks off from blogging as I have tons of work to do before I take my long year end vacation to finish my leave. TEB will also join me in the second part of my holiday. I will have my phone with me so I wont totally disappear. Sometimes a blogger needs time away from blogging, so I guess this is one of those times.

Sex plan

2007-10-23T21:59:00.000+08:00

While sitting at home alone, I made some mental note on what I plan to do to TEB once he return home from work. Just a few minutes ago I got a message that he's gonna watch a movie with this other guy that he fancies. Dont know why he told me all that. I'd assume he just wanna make me jealous, though 80% of time its probably true. Anyways, here's what I plan to do in an hour's time:

1. He probably be sweating cos of the long walk from the monorail station. And I dont like to feel the sticky skin on my man, so I intend to undress him and slowly push him to the bathroom next to the entrance. I might even join him in the shower, but only if he let me in.

2. If he refused to shower and head straight to the living room, its probably harder to seduce him once he's glued to a TV program. So I have to act fast and just hug him, or lie on top of him. Assuming nothing interesting on TV (or he can support my weight), we probably will start kissing and snuggling.

3. What worries me most if he head str8 to the kitchen when I forgot to bring home dinner. That would probably mean one of two things, no dinner for TEB, or no sex for me. Either way, I'd be at the losing end.

4. Most of the time TEB would remind me that he hasnt done his Isya' prayer yet. That usually didnt stop me from doing my thing. And usually it does work, though I dare not think how TEB finally perform his prayers after that. This sounds like double dose of sins, or double dosa in Malay.

5. What works best if I offer to massage him using this cheap baby oil I got from the corner shop. It smells terrible, but its the best I can do to buy him out and get him to bed. I have to remind myself to get those aromatheraphy oils that smells like Bali or ISS.

6. Unfortunately, there are times when TEB didnt return at all. So what remains is just a plan.

Back to the (un)real world

2007-10-21T22:00:00.000+08:00

After a long Raya break doing absolutely nothing, I kinda look forward to be back in the office tomorrow. I'm sure too see stacks of documents in my in-tray, probably with some late Raya cards in between, and also a pile of memos from the bosses. The mailbox will probably be suspended due to size overload, while some of my work files probably need to be updated cos I didnt get to sign them in time before I leave. The best of all, I'm looking forward to take in this new guy to join my team. He's almost as gorgeous as that Hero Remaja finalist Karl in its recent issue (dont ask me why I read this mag), but with extra 10kg, slightly shorter and tanned. Obviously I have to pretend to be uninterested with him, and instead show my concern to my least favourite male staff just to be seen as impartial and avoid office gossip. I just love my office.

Among the things we do for straights

2007-10-19T23:03:00.000+08:00

A fren introduced me to Deborah Priya Henry, or rather, pictures of her (courtesy of missworld-dot-tv). For convenience, I call her Debbie Henry. She is Malaysia's rep for Miss World 2007, well educated and of Irish Indian decent. That is one hot chick and I'm hopeful she could win the title. She'd certainly be my gay `cure' if only she can accept dating a gay guy in the first place. I know I look for perfection in women, even though I can accept the imperfections of a man.

That reminded me of this hetero couple I saw at the elevator in KLCC the other day. The lady is a hot chick, but the guy looks... err bloody awful, like shrek meets loch ness. That moment I realised that gay guys are godsend to str8s. We help raise the girl-to-guy ratio, thus increasing the chances of unattractive str8 guys having a decent sex life. If it was not for the gays, this pathetic fella I saw at the elevator can only dream of dating this gorgeous lady. Str8 guys should be more grateful to gays.

The only question now is, how should we let these str8s show their appreciation to us gays????? I still cant think how.

Too old to realise it

2007-10-18T16:25:00.000+08:00

I'm still off from work. I got up early to send TEB to his office, and went back home to continue my sleep. Yes, TEB is back and we spare no time in expressing how we missed each other. Which is why I'm still tired from last nite. Heheh. Pity TEB, not only he has to work, he's also doing his fasting today, also known as puasa enam. This is kinda optional fasting one can do to perfect his Ramadhan. I'm too lazy to do this, but will probably do so next week when I'm back at the office.

Right now I'm updating this blog from a coffee shop in KLCC. Didnt realised the guys here are getting prettier since the last time I came. Its either that or I'm just getting too old to realise that they were here all the time.

A voice line

2007-10-17T07:14:00.000+08:00

Just bought a new handphone for a nephew and took the old handphone as my spare. I decided to publish the number here. Please sms or call me whenever you guys are bored or just need someone to talk to. Avoid office hours on weekdays and between 11pm to 7am every day. The number is 013-3651241.

How to handle tough questions

2007-10-16T09:17:00.000+08:00

Dont know when the relatives will stop pestering me about getting married. I dont blame them bcos of their mindset, and bcos they want to see someone taking care of me. I get the same questions every time. So what I did was just smiled, looked at their faces as they wait for my reply, and then just reached out for the cookie jar or the plate of lemang and swallow the whole piece. The relatives had to repeat the question again at least three or four times before I say, `What?', and after another repeat I will automatically say 'Dunno lar', while grabbing another piece of that awful cookie.

Depending on situations, I sometimes tell them I'm waiting for some rich Datin to propose to me a retirement package, or to get the twin sister of Xara, now married to Raja Nazrin. If its none of the above, then I guess the lady will just have to win a lotery and undertake an extensive face-shift. Unlike last time, I'm not angry at my old aunties and uncles anymore. I'd probably be saying the same thing if I were str8, in my 70s and I see my 30-plus year old nephew still unmarried. For now I just have to live with it once a year. Hopefully not for long, assuming average Malaysian's lifespan does not change.

Innocent invitation?

2007-10-15T19:19:00.000+08:00

I find it strange when suddenly I got an open house invite from a str8 fren I never really met since high school. Sure, we sometimes bump into each other in the city, at one time we even worked on the same transaction. But we never had more than five minutes of intimate one-on-one chat. Both of us are just too bz with our respective lives. I smell somethg funny from the recent invite, and decided not to go, simply becos I prefer to keep the relationship that way. We're not young school kids anymore. Back then, our actions and our views dont mean much. Now it makes a difference cos people will talk behind your back. We're better of living in our separate worlds. I dont want to rekindle that relationship in a way that would expose me and TEB. I still want to compartmentalised my live. Gays and str8s are like oil and water.

What me and Chef Ismail have in common

2007-10-14T07:22:00.000+08:00

I was telling TEB that gay Malaysian celebrities like Aznil, Chef Wan, Jaafar Onn, Azwan or Anuar Zain can boast about having the youngest or cutest anak ikan, and can afford to get any toyboy they want. But despite the size of their celebrity status, they can never match the size of Chef Ismail, whom I consider to be the luckiest guy on earth (and beyond).

Sure, my rebellious frens probably be asking why the hell Malaysia spends hundreds of millions on two individuals going to space. I dont care all that. All I care is how adorable Syeikh Muszaphar looks on TV and how I envy Chef Ismail for what he has achieved. I guess it tells me that you dont have to be thin and glamourous to get a gorgeous guy like Syeikh Muszaphar as your boyfren.

For me, TEB is already my own astronaut, and I'm grateful for that.

Raya

2007-10-12T22:58:00.000+08:00

The PC is having a problem. Today I'm using my laptop to update this blog, after being offline for a few days this week. Just dropping by to wish all readers Selamat Hari Raya, Maaf Zahir Batin. Its hard for me to think I ever said anythg bad about you all, but I'm pretty one or two readers just love bitching about us. I know cos I actually came across a couple of readers who just cant stand reading my entries about TEB and all. Ok ok, once again, Maaf Zahir Batin. Hope you guys have a good break, and drive carefully.

Missing U2

2007-10-08T21:24:00.000+08:00

TEB has gone back to his parents since late last week. I wont see him until after Raya. The other nite I went home feeling glad to be back after a long day at work, only to see an empty room. I missed his laughter while watching his favourite DVD such as Little Britain or Seinfeld. I also missed the sounds of Battlestar Galactica or some indie horror flick that nobody else watches. You see, he always watch these DVDs while I do my work on the PC in my study. That nite, I took his favorite pillow from his room and put it on my bed. I said to myself if I dont get to hold him that night, at least I can hold his pillow. That pillow has stayed in my room ever since.

I did sms him telling how much I missed him and how lonely I felt without him. He took his time replying my sms, and it made me a bit nervous. I kept thinking what could be inside him mind when he reads that sms, or he's probably inside another guy at the same time. Ok ok I better not think too much into it.

Later that nite I was awoken by a beep. It was an sms from TEB saying, i miss u2. I know he doesnt like Irish band, so I was kinda glad to see that sms.

Raya interruptions

2007-10-06T14:03:00.000+08:00

Things that get on my nerves as Syawal draws nearer.

1. Some of the support staff at the office got themselves busy putting up Raya decors in the office. I encouraged them to put it on, but I didnt expect them to spend the entire day doing it. We're not expecting a Rajah or an Agong visiting our office. Why overdo it?

2. The suppliers began sending massive hampers and gifts to me. I often share these soft bribes with the rest of the team, including the clerks, drivers etc. Some of my high ranking officers also got individual parcels. I'm not sure whether I shud tell them to share with everybody. I just close one eye but I really think I shud do somethg abt it.

3. There will always someone I missed out when sending Raya cards. I normally only send to those who send to me first simply becos I know they want something from me (I mean, the suppliers want longer contracts, nothing to do with sex which I can offer for free!!). There are occassions when my assistant forgot to include the extra 2,3 names from the out-going cards. Yes, I know they're non-Muslim frens, but why cant they celebrate too.

4. The invitations to buka puasa dinner do from our suppliers went exponential, up to the point I can double book myself on all of the remaining ten days to Raya. Other than making me fat, I just hate missing my Tarawikh prayers, and I get restless thinking how TEB spend his break fast that very moment with the other guy.

How I began to read

2007-10-03T22:18:00.000+08:00

I dont read that much, except for some proposal papers that go to my Board and concept papers that came to my desk. I also read gay blogs a bit. My last fiction was probably The Da Vinci Code, soon after it turned into a movie. I consider it an achievement when I managed to read two books since the beginning of Ramadhan. What else can I expect? If not doing tarawikh, TEB would be busy entertaining his other male frens elsewhere. I felt like I've been denied the attention that I deserve. Like the other nite I sneaked under the blanket and started hugging TEB, but he just lay still there. What shud I do then? Since I have stopped doing my regular runs after work, I just locked myself in my room and began to read. I read a book about some banker in Afghanistan giving small-size loans to the poor, and made money out of it. He even won some kinda of Nobel prize for that. Pretty cool aint it? I'm now finishing a second book about some economist-cum-conman who fooled the government of less-developed countries into heavy debts to the US.

When things get too comfortable

2007-10-01T23:27:00.000+08:00

Had buka puasa with TEB at a Japanese restaurant in Pavillion just now. Its similar style to the one at KLCC food court where the food is served on a conveyor belt. After that we just walked around the mall, then had coffee at a doughnut shop next to the supermarket. One might wonder what do we really say to each other after spending day in and day out together. I can easily get bored with my office mates after only 10-12hours with them on weekdays, what more can I say about someone whom I sleep with or eat together almost every day. Surely one of us would get bored with the other, right?

The answer is, I just dont know. Chemisty perhaps, or probably we're just too lazy to search for anyone else. I have this theory that TEB probably need some space away from the other guy and chose me. Or may be we're just different from those reckless gays out there who just look for one thing. Whatever the reason, I just hope it will last.

Smart investors, but no common sense

2007-09-29T22:56:00.000+08:00

Have I told u that I sometimes go to AGMs of companies that I have invested in? Well, lately I havent been going to any cos I've sold some shares during the last bull run. Though I didnt make as much money as I could have, I was glad that I made some profit and have used them to build my house. I still keep some stocks in my account and one of them had an AGM today. Evidently this is the largest bank in the country and the turnout was so good they ran out of free gifts and packed food.

Anyways, if I were to summarise the AGM with one word, I would say the minority shareholders are racist. There was this Chinese fella who complain about the share price not doing well when compared to another Chinese banking group. And there was this Indian guy who asked why no Indians are represented on the Board. The questions and remarks by these idiots were so trivial that got nothing to do with business or the agenda at hand. They just went on and on as if they own the biggest share.

My only answer is, if you're so unhappy with the company, just sell the bloody shares!!!. No one is stopping you from doing that and it sure do more good than to complain and stay on as shareholders. If you love the other stocks that much, why dont just buy more of them instead? Dont waste my time with all these irrelevant issues. I am a shareholder too and I have my right not to waste my time listening to them, rambling about not getting enough food vouchers etc.

Sometimes I just cant stand when these so-called smart investors dont use common sense at all.

A new place to hang out

2007-09-26T22:24:00.000+08:00

Had buka puasa in a cafe inside Pavillion to commemorate the opening of a new place to hang out. Its also to celebrate almost two weeks of fasting. We were impressed with the new mall. Though not as great as KLCC, Pavillion would be ranked second for us, far ahead of MValley or SPyramid. The layout was a bit confusing at first, but we know we'll get used to it.

Anyways, cant wait for the buka puasa session organised by my company's supplier in Sentral Hilton with a small group of anak ikan... oppss... yatim. No matter how u look at it, its all for good cause, for me and them alike. Hehehe.

Less is more

2007-09-25T05:40:00.000+08:00

I'm not proud with what I'm about to write here. At the risk of inciting more condemnation from the readers, I confess that I have broken my promise not to indulge on TEB. All I can say is, its all TEB's fault. We had agreed earlier not to do it throughout the entire holy month. But the agreement sorta collapsed when TEB did it with that boy, Remember the two-condom incident? I challenged him to make me break my promise, and since then he's been teasing me to break my promise. Every nite he'd strip down to his sexy underwear and just perform sexy (and silly) dance routine. Usually I'd laugh at it, telling him to stop doing that stupid dance. Last nite was a similar routine, but I just couldnt hold on any longer.

What we did was a plain vanilla act, nothing acrobatic or romantic about it. Not sure whether its becos I was partly tired, or becos its been years since we last did it, I somehow managed to contain myself longer than usual, which drives TEB wild. The timing was impeccable and I just couldnt be happier when I see TEB explode. As my gay mentor used to say, its all about simultaneous satisfaction. At that time I didnt know what it meant. But after constant pestering from me, he past on to me what could be the only mantra in gay sex (without actually doing it with me!!). After that its all history.

Anyway, wrt the promise, we agreed to renew our vows over the remaining holy month. I know its like cheating a bit. And after what we had last nite, we see more reason to make it less regular than how it shud be.

Age is just an increasing number

2007-09-23T22:04:00.000+08:00

Probably one of the lousiest weekend ever, but had plenty of sleep (but no sex). I guess TEB and myself are trying to refrain ourselves from committing any sin during this holy month. Its not easy and at times it makes us go crazy but we could still overcome all that. Its only gonna be for a few weeks, well, another 19 days to be exact. Besides, 30 years had past by before I decided to embrace this lifestyle. Surely I can tahan just another 19 days more right?

Anyways, we had our buka puasa at a fren's place the other nite. It was just a small dinner do, and the menu was great. It was funny cos I only got to know the host thru his bf, who is in his anak ikan age. So at the party, there were kinda two groups of ppl, the abang-abang ones and the anak ikan ones. I was drawn to the anak ikan group, though I know for sure that even the abang-abang guys are much younger than me. Yeah, I know I always have this paranoia with age and ageing. But thats becos my whole career evolves around numbers and figures. Its no surprise if I get a bit annoyed when the numbers kept on going the other way.

Other matters arising

2007-09-21T23:02:00.000+08:00

My Raya leave is all sorted out already. Will be taking almost one and a half week off. I cant hide my excitement to celebrate it at the new house, possibly have an open house that weekend. TEB and myself still havent decide yet. Or probably the weekend after although the overlapping invites could mean that our place might not be our guests' first choice.

Anyway, did my Friday prayers at KLCC. And prior to that I paid my zakath fitrah there. I wonder whether paying for TEB counts as well. I am, after all, his partner so I shud be paying for his zakath. When I asked TEB he said he's not sure. I suggest him to pay for himself anyway, just for good measure.

Heard that the latest shopping mall Pavillion is open. Might go see that place tomorrow.

While u were sleeping

2007-09-19T05:57:00.000+08:00

I'm pretty proud to say that I now have over 50 frens in myspace. Over a span of just a couple of months, I've gone from being a loner to popular. Nevermind if 99% of them I hardly knew or never met before. What's more important is they dont judge me and willing to accept me as who I am. Yeah I know even monkeys in myspace could end up with 1000+ frens, but thats only becos they're cute.

Couldnt sleep last nite and I kept on tossing and turning. One moment I'd be hugging TEB but the next moment I'd roll over to the other side. I always like to have skin contact with TEB whenever we sleep together. If I dont hug him, I would at least extend my legs against his, just to feel his skin. Its very unbecoming of me cos I usually cant stand having another body next to me when I sleep. But over the years, I just had to touch TEB all the time just to make sure he's there. TEB sleeps like a log, so he has no idea what I do while he's asleep. Come to think of it, I shud surprise him one of these days by doing somethg unconventional without waking him up. Hmm...

I wish it was that easy for me

2007-09-17T21:40:00.000+08:00

Had buka puasa with TEB in KLCC Chilis just now. Believe it or not, its our first time buka puasa together after almost a week. Among the news that came to my relief was about the boy who he slept with the other day. Remember the two condoms in the living room? Well, apparently they both broke up already, less than 48 hours after they first met. In gay terms, they call it a one nite stand, although it was actually two nites from Friday till Sunday. This is my second shock this week. Despite the use of four condoms, half a tube of gel and having the whole apartment to themselves, they both decide to quit as the weekend ended. I wish it was that easy for me.

Odd as it may seem, I congratulated TEB on his latest conquest. We talked in detail about the sex, the size, the actions and the stamina. I kept wetting my lips hearing about it all. And the funny thing is, instead of being jealous at the boy for having TEB, I was more jealous at TEB for having that boy. Most ppl my age can only dream of sleeping with a young boy of 20yo. They are fast becoming a rare commodity for old timers like myself. Sure, they say gays nowadays are abundant, but that is precisely why these boys are now having more options than before. At my time I was restricted to the cyber community which probably comprise of a handful of ppl with access to internet dial-ups and cell phones. Nowadays, its as easy as buying nasi lemak on a Sunday morning. I wish it was that easy for me.

Sex on my bed, without me on it

2007-09-15T23:38:00.000+08:00

I'm still trying to recover from a shock on Saturday morning. You see, TEB's scandalous fren came over the other nite to spend the weekend together. I wanted to avoid the awkwardness so I conveniently occupy myself with the kids on Friday nite. I returned home very early on Saturday, after my sahur and Subuh prayers. To my horror, I saw a couple of used condoms in the living room and my bedroom door was locked from inside. It immediately occurred to me that they could be fucking each other in the living room, and proceed to spend the nite together in my bedroom, on my kingsize bed!! What the hell was that all about? I was not distracted by the fact that TEB, my so-called boyfren having sex with another boy on my bed, but more so with the fact that they were having sex during the holy month of Ramadhan. If they cant respect me enough not to have sex on my bed, surely they can at least try to respect the holy month for us all.

Budget 2008 series: Perfecting the skill-set

2007-09-11T23:27:00.000+08:00

After almost a decade since I first came out, I have to consider myself as a highly experienced gay guy. To me, being gay is like having a driving licence. It is an acquired skill and over time, as you improve your skill, you will then improve your ability to sustain yourself as a gay person. There are some cases where an apprentice gay guy in pursuant of this skill will just give up halfway for whatever reason. For those who stayed on, they can then become the gay master in the skill they have chosen. But a gay master can be interpreted in numerous ways. Brian Kinney in QAF is one kind of master. Or just replicating a str8 couple's lifestyle can make them master over time. Even a single gay guy with enough relationship breakups can be a master too. It can also be a specific skill-set like someone who knows every inch of gay cruising area in town. Or a blogger who just been through all kinds trauma in gay relationships. Being a gay master doesnt mean that you can never get into an accident. You are a master becos you now have enough skills to handle all situations. You dont need referrals or seek advice anymore. People come to you for answers or guidance.

Mini honeymoon trip

2007-09-10T23:02:00.000+08:00

What was supposed to be just a weekend break before Ramadhan turned out to be a fantastic mini honeymoon. We stayed in a resort-style hotel further away from the town centre in this state capital. I just love the view of the sea from the hotel suite. The clear glass that separates the bedroom and the bathroom was a nice touch. We couldnt resist it but made love the moment we put down our bags. It was like we were making love for the first time, or the last time, depending on how you see it. The passion, the pace, the intensity and completeness of it all was so wonderful. The hotel balcony was a nice idea but we were worried that the next door neighbour might hear us. The bath tub didnt exactly fit for two but we made do with it. The table needs some tightening at the joints. The king size bed was just heaven, and bouncy.

Anyways, we located the gay outlets in the city but didnt think it was a good idea to explore them. One sauna place is now converted to a massage place while the clubbing place that was recommended to us was actually a mixed club. So we ended up at some nite bazaar near our hotel and the open air food court fronting the beach. Later that nite we passed by the so-called gay cruising area at the other side of the town but found out the place is now full of transvestites and rempits, both of which we dont really fancy.

Happy 911 everyone.

I know a good budget when I see one

2007-09-07T23:46:00.000+08:00

Despite the absense of personal income tax cut and increases in sin tax, there is nothing wrong with the budget. Businesses can enjoy a lower tax of 25% in time to come, while the incentives in the education sector would mean it is now free for the masses and would help develop human capital further. Unfortunately not much emphasis is given on policies that support the Bumiputeras, except a couple of minor ones. I'm excited that the housing withdrawal can now be done on monthly basis. With the amount being spent on my house, I just need to reduce the loan quickly before I can seriously start thinking of retirement. Other things that were mentioned include the regional economic zones IDR, NCER and MIFC. The problem with having some many economic zones is that it confuses ppl like me when choosing which property I would buy next. I'm glad that petrol prices would remain the same while more emphasis is given on developing public transportation system. All in all, I think it is the best budget so far.

Couple break

2007-09-05T22:24:00.000+08:00

Booked a hotel room somewhere outside KL for a weekend with TEB. Essentially to celebrate 911 and the upcoming Ramadhan. We just need the short break away from the stress relating to the reno work. The more I see the house, the more agitated I become. So its best if I keep myself occupied this weekend, and spend quality time with TEB. Its also a good way to keep TEB away from that guy he's been seeing over the last two weekends. Hmmm I cant imagine the things I do just to keep them apart.

Long lost contact

2007-09-03T20:39:00.000+08:00

I downloaded some updates for YM software and at the same time took the opportunity to clean up my contact list. I think I have almost a hundred names there. Probably not a long list to most ppl, but to me its just too excessive. Almost 90% of them are people I never met and never had real chat, except the usual hi, asl, stats, location, position etc. Beyond that I dont seem to be able to make any contact with them. After the screening, I'm left with only about 15 names, with TEB and a couple of his frens alone account for one third of the list as they have multiple IDs. Its just amazing how easy these IDs are created, and soon abandoned after it served its short-term purpose. Unfortunately I didnt get to see them for real or be the lucky one to get to know them more. There are some contacts who became close frens at one time, but I'm not sure whether its their love-life or career that took them away and disappeared. The shorter list pretty much makes up my invitation list to my long overdue house-warming dinner, which will likely turn into a house-warming buka puasa given the pace of the renovation work.

TEB's wrath

2007-09-02T23:04:00.000+08:00

TEB is upset with another blogger who's been telling stuff about him (and us) to other ppl. Using TEB's own words, this "writer cum director wannabee who couldnt sell his TV work" has been spreading malicious stories to all of his online frens, including one female fren whom TEB admires. Errm, I dont think TEB is becoming str8, and I think the relationship with this girl is strictly plutonic. Unfortunately, a series of messages from this blogger guy forced TEB to confess his sexuality to this innocent girl. This blogger even offered to show this girl a bunch of beautiful boys in her fren's list who have no interest in women just to prove his point.

Normally I wouldnt meddle with what TEB does online with his frens, gay or otherwise. But when it involves revealing a bit of my identity and my relations with TEB, I get a bit disturbed. I'm not sure what motive this blogger has against TEB and his innocent female fren. But its funny to see how even educated old guy can go to such level just to mess up other ppl's affairs in a paparazzi manner. Sometimes I feel like I'm Princess Diana reincarnated.

The alternative Merdeka celebration

2007-08-31T07:13:00.000+08:00

As it turned out, it was probably the worst 50th Merdeka celebration I ever had due to the following reasons:
[1] No celebration in KLCC. This time round the major celebration is held in Putrajaya. Who the fark goes there?
[2] I'm homeless. I still live in a rented apartment while my house is still not functional or liveable.
[3] TEB brought home a young fren to spend the evening together.
I was in bed around 1030pm on Merdeka eve. I didnt even bother to watch the celebration on TV.

Merdeka? What Merdeka?

2007-08-29T21:35:00.000+08:00

Not terribly excited to see Malaysia celebrating its 50 years of independence. For one, there's still no tax deduction for married gays in this country. I'm still hopeful that the next budget will see such benefit awarded to gays, along with other goodies like medical schemes for HIV-infected gays, more 9MP allocation for recreational space where gays can congregate in the middle of the nite, duty free for imported rubber and leather materials, and relaxation of immigration laws for Thai and Philipino boys to come work in this country. I'm talking crap again.

Anyways, I'm sad to see that after 50 years, different races still have different views on how to run this bloody country. Its sad that NEP is seen as a racist policy, whereas silent discrimination practises such as language requirement and anti-quota moves are often praise as meritocrasy. This is the country where the minority rules economically, and are increasing their voices politically. These voices are getting stronger and louder. And what worries me more is that even Malays in my generation are questioning the same system that have brought them to where they are now. This is a worrying trend and I hope I wont be around when history repeats itself again. Still, I guess Malaysia deserves a Happy Merdeka wish, but comes with caution.

Warehousing the photo shots

2007-08-27T09:09:00.000+08:00

I just terminated the host for my travelin and food photos and re-compiled them here instead. I think putting the pics in myspace is more practical as I can also use it to view pics of other cute guys from time to time. And with the same ID, I can also start sending messages to them, and hope for a lucky day. Hahaha. Chances are these boys will just ignore me, the same way they ignored my `fren' request from my previous myspace profile a few years ago. The ID has since been automatically deleted due to severe inactivity. Pretty much sums up the kind of response I get when I use my real ID to hit on these guys. In any case, do visit the site and invite me as your fren.

The lazy househusband

2007-08-26T13:48:00.001+08:00

Never had such a relaxing Saturday yesterday. It started off late when I heard the door as TEB left for his religious class at a nearby mosque. Errm... I had a good reason not to follow - I still have not taken my ritual bath yet after a late nite, and I dont want TEB to wait up. Hehehe. Anyways, after that I just did a bit of cleaning up and boxing up some stuff for the eventual moving out. Around ten I started making pancake for breakfast, in time for TEB's return. I served it with banana, honey and a drop of natural yogurt. I also made freshly-ground Kenyan coffee for myself, and hot milk for TEB. We had breakfast while watching a DVD called Battlestar Galactica.

Around noon TEB left to meet a guy in KLCC. Apparently this guy is new in town and just arrived from another state. I stayed home to continue with the packing and tidying up. Then I got a call from a str8 fren, asking for lunch in KLCC. He picked me up that afternoon and we had late lunch in Madam Kwan. Nothing irregular in our conversation, apart from the gossip about a common fren who's cheating his wife (with another girl, of course) and about another fren, previously divorced, but now married to another common fren. Its all confusing I know, but it was fun bithcing about other ppl's affairs. The fren stayed on to re-group with his wife who was there shopping. I went to the gym and did a few strokes at the vending machine.

After gym I went to the LRT station only to see a whole bunch of ppl waiting for something, but the crowd is not moving at all. It seems that the LRT service is not running regularly that afternoon, or the queue is probably just too long. It didnt bother me that much though. I just head back to the street and start walking back home. It took me almost 30 minutes, and I still can make a short stop at this development work on an apartment near my place. It looks impressive and has a nice view of KLCC. They've almost completed the building and have not sold any unit yet. I reckon the price will likely be in the millions.

When I got home TEB was still out. I refreshed myself and started preparing dinner for TEB. Then I got a message from him saying he'll be spending the nite with his new fren. Oh well, at least I dont have to prepare dinner for him again.

The long wait for serenity

2007-08-25T08:48:00.001+08:00

Had a fight with the ID guy over the outstanding work to be done. Its definite that I wont have it ready before the 30th. Its just petty stuff remaining like the curtain rails, water pump, garden pond. But the main problem is the wiring and aircond, which still not functioning properly. Without power, the heater also couldnt work. TEB told me he saw a TV program on amazing vacation homes which shows a house that took 3 years to build. Mine is far off from that level of budget, but it certainly feels like more than 3 years already. I just dont want to wait in vain for the house.

What more do they want from us??

2007-08-21T18:02:00.000+08:00

A supplier offered me two tickets to watch Gwen concert but I declined. Its a soft bribe to ensure I continue to support them. Well, I do support them but getting free tickets is not the reason why I chose them, despite the fact they dont employ a single Malay in their firm. The level of service and ability to give the product that my organisation needs were the reasons why I continue to support them. Sure, I could just take the gifts and keep quiet about it. But one has to be careful these days as even whispers of KFC-induced bribes could prove fatal to the employees of the establishment. Besides, I can very well afford to buy the tickets myself.

Anyways, been reading a lot of statements in the press lately, from the insults by the student in Taiwan (who I think shud be expelled from this country), all the way to the demands from certain quarters to share the government contracts and have a third language in the education system. Dunno lar. After 50 years, some Malaysians are still stubborn and not able to see the big picture of this multi-racial society. They continue to demand more and more and getting greedier and greedier every day. What is it that the Malays have sooo much that the others lack?? Someone please explain to me. After 50 years I still dont understand why they still want more rights, more wealth, more recognition, more this, more that, more here, more there.

Slow recovery

2007-08-18T22:19:00.000+08:00

Still not fully recovered from my sore throat (and cough). Didnt do much today except accompanying TEB to the dentist, inspect the site of my home, have lunch alone in Kg Baru, grocery shopping in Ampang Park, chatting with this boy in YM, and then out to buy rice porridge dinner from a fast food outlet. Tried to sleep in the afternoon but I couldnt. TEB was out all day with an old fren from the net. Wanted to see the kids but I dont want to spread my virus. Must tell myself to get better tomorrow. And must go to gym too.

Unscheduled extended weekend

2007-08-17T11:30:00.000+08:00

Took the day off today bcos of my sore throat. A couple of my colleagues are also infected by that, so its not becos of that deep blowjob I did on TEB the other nite or anythg like that. So after sending TEB to work this morning, I went str8 to my regular clinic in KLCC and got myself one rest day without even asking for it. Hehehe. After that I had my breakfast at San Francisco (served by this good looking cashier), and read the papers while sipping coffee and biting a sandwich. The markets have dropped a lot this week becos of some subprime issue in the US. I'm kinda glad to see it falling cos now I can start buying again. I missed out big when the prices went up earlier, so I think this is a good chance to go back in again.

Tonite I have to go to some appreciation nite organised by my office. Trying to get TEB to come and pretend to be one of the supplier/contractor. At least I have good company to enjoy the food and entertainment, instead of just mingling around with people I see everyday at work. Errr... yeah yeah I know I can see TEB everyday too but its not the same with him. Other than that I probably be resting at home cos I have made a few plans this weekend, including a dinner at a fren's place with his ex-bf, now partner but ex-buddy. Frankly speaking, I'm not sure the status between them but I almost certain they're still having sex on regular basis. Hehehe.

Lying love made easy

2007-08-14T00:12:00.000+08:00

I was told my last few entries sounded like complaints on TEB. Didnt realised it until I re-read them. I suppose its just typical household conflict that occurs from time to time. Its not that I dont love him or what, its just me behaving the like the insecure partner, and him being him. We are all humans after all, except that we lack the desire for women. Hehehe. Speaking of which, I should share some inside info I heard on a married fren of mine who's no longer in this country. Well, its the typical story about a husband cheating on his wife and kids. But its not the first time it happened. As I remember it, the wife forgave him the first time a few years ago. Now a few years after, this guy was caught again by his school buddies in a dodgy str8 sauna, while he was about to choose a female massuer, probably be his companion for the nite as well!! Hehehe. I cant stop thinking and laughing when I heard that from another fren, who also have had his own fair share of marriage troubles as well. The str8 fren is the same guy who found out about me being gay few years ago. Back then he made me feel terribly bad and guilty about it. Now I dont give a damn about him or his affairs. But I felt sorry for the wife and kids though. From what I heard, she still followed him on his tour of duty overseas. I suppose she had forgiven him again, for the second time.

It makes me wonder. Is it so wrong to love someone I shouldnt? Or to lie to someone you love legitimately?

The lousy dinner

2007-08-13T06:58:00.000+08:00

I'm just exhausted from a very long Sunday. Had a nice dinner with TEB at this nice restaurant in Traders Hotel KLCC to celebrate his belated birthday. I actually planned the dinner on the same day as his birthday but had to cancel last minute due to work-related meeting I had to attend. Then on Saturday TEB already made plans with his other gay frens, which includes clubbing at this gay club along Sultan Ismail. Obviously I didnt join cos I was worried there might be another raid just like last time. So at the end of the day, I had to postpone the private dinner till last nite.

The food was probably not worth as much but the ambience was good. It gave us the privacy to talk on gay matters. Hehehe. Unfortunately that was not what we talked about last nite. TEB just cant stop complaining about the food and how the place looks so not happening at all. He prefers to have it at Rakuzen or KL Tower (even though it was his idea to go to Traders Hotel in the first place!). I just stay quiet and kept looking at the time, pretending that I wasnt at all bothered by his continuous complaints.

Invitation lost

2007-08-12T16:03:00.000+08:00

Had a small fight with TEB over a wedding invitation card after I cleaned up his room last nite. He thot I threw that thing away when I was dead certain I left it intact in one of his novels. I know I get a bit reckless when clearing up his room, but to accuse me throwing that thing is a bit over the top lar. I'm already doing him a favour by cleaning up his messy room. The least he can do is just a short thank you kiss, perhaps followed by sex immediately after. But instead he came round to me asking where I put the card which I dont think he's gonna attend anyway.

Living room treasures

2007-08-11T10:12:00.000+08:00

TEB have this tendency of leaving his movie DVDs lying around the living room after watching them. I wouldnt mind as much if it was just a normal DVD, but I get worried if he left his porn gay DVDs in the living room. What if the kids walked in to watch the TV and stumbled upon gangbang DVDs? Anyways, as I was tidying up living room for TEB the other day I stumbled upon a familiar gay porn DVD which I used to watch over and over again before I met TEB. It was like the only gay porn CD that I have all my life. God knows how long it has been. I thot I had it disposed cos the scenes just get repeated over and over again with different boys. TEB has this tendency of keeping a whole bunch of gay DVDs, not all porn, in his room. So to know that he has kept my old favourite and watched it was kinda touching, despite spending a good two hours tidying up the entire living room for him.

Blog and drive

2007-08-10T23:44:00.000+08:00

I sometimes can catch up a lot reading while waiting for TEB at his office after work. You see, I always picked him up from work every other day when he doesnt have evening plans with any other guy. He gets a bit irritated if I arrive late, so I had to leave very early from office to avoid the jams and wait for over an hour in front of his office. The thing I hated most is the long drive home after that, being much further away than if I were to drive from my own office. And worst of all, his office is situated in one of the most densed areas in town. Traffic jams are normal, especially on weekends. But today while waiting for TEB I did something else. I made notes for my blog, and this is what I got.

Food for thought

2007-08-09T23:14:00.000+08:00

Cooking for TEB is not easy. When it comes to his gastronomical desires, TEB is difficult to please. He doesnt like tuna in his pasta, though he prefers it very much in his sandwiches. He doesnt like fruity stuff in his main meal and he only drinks before taking meals, not after. There are many other food-related peculiarities which I'm not gonna list them here. I know for sure even our Queen doesnt get so hard up with food. The other day I left my meeting early to rush home in time to prepare a special rice meal. When TEB came back home, he said he's on a diet and cannot take rice after 7pm that week. There was another time when I brought back home some pastries for dinner, but TEB wanted heavier stuff like rice or beef steaks. I have in the past turned down a couple of nice Japanese or Western dinners from my corporate clients because I wanted to save my appetite for dinner with TEB. But more often than not he would propose to have other types of meal like Malay or fast food instead. I suppose one can tell that food is probably not the thing that binds us together.

Something for him

2007-08-08T07:19:00.000+08:00

While I was doing TEB's laundry last nite, I realised that his birthday is coming real soon. I dont normally celebrate even my own birthdays, but I thot this time round I shud plan something since it only happens once a year. And its just high time I do something nice for him without asking for sex in return. Hehehe. Probably we shud have a nice quiet dinner at some bungalow restaurants near KLCC that evening. I understand some of them are fully booked on weekends, so will just have to make do on weekdays. For gifts, I dont plan on fancy diamond ring to propose marriage or a luxury honeymoon cruise to celebrate inseparable life. I probably just get the thing he needed most. Like his underwear for instance, looks more like a rag than anything else. Some of his gym tee shirts have holes on them, and I know its not because of his intense workout. I might as well change his tight jeans too, but thats just to conceal my insecurity.

The trade-off

2007-08-05T23:05:00.000+08:00

Altogether, I spent a total sum of RM935k on the house, excluding selected furniture, accessories like blinders, curtains etc. and the garden. I suspect it all will amount to almost a million once I'm fully settled. That's just too much for me. It partly explains why I dont have money to hire a fulltime toyboy to satisfy my sexual desires, though in reality I think sex is more worthwhile than having a nice house to live in.

By the way, this entry is not meant to brag about my home because: (1) None of the readers here know who I am and consequently, nobody can verify or dispute my claims here. (2) Those who knew me either dont know this blog exist or are no longer reading this blog anymore. (3) I have frens who spent double or triple the amount on their vacation homes so what I spent here is just tiny in comparison. (4) I probably exaggerate things a bit here cos I need to compensate other things that I lack, like a nice body or a beautiful face. So having a nice home (or a nice car) would probably help build that confidence.

Dirty cartoon movie

2007-08-03T21:55:00.000+08:00

Despite being a gay guy myself, I tend to be homophobic when in public. And this tendency increases when I'm with the kids or my family. Thats how I felt when I watched The Simpsons the other day with them. I just couldnt believe the censorship guys allow the cop-kissing scene in that movie. Obviously they didnt do their job right. How come lar? Kids these days are so exposed even an innocent cartoon movie lacks decency and moral message. And what's with Homer's hand gesture when talking about donuts. I'm dead certain that the gay Catholics have more reason to be angry with the movie, with suggestions that Ned Flanders might be gay. Dunno lar. I think I very much prefer the simple half-hour series more than the movie.

Anyways, tonite I might just go out for drinks at some hotel or wherever I feel like going. The whole week was so intensed at work. I had to chair this committee which involves several heads from other departments. If you think dealing with the support staff or unions are madness, try dealing with their bosses instead. You'd be surprised.

Perak, the marginalised state

2007-07-31T23:16:00.000+08:00

Saw numerous articles on the latest mega project up north. I think almost half of the politicians and corporate figures in this country are spending their extended weekend up there. It sure sounds good with big plans on agriculture, logistics and infrastructure like ports, airports and bridges. Somehow I cant help but notice the sad face of Perak's MB Tajol Rosli who doesnt seem to be enjoying himself in the pictures. No one can blame him at all since Perak is fast becoming a neglected state. Sure, Perak is still counted as part of the G4 member. But a close look at the entire development and details of project list, one could see that the main beneficiary of this whole project would be Kedah and Penang. Tonite TEB just cant stop complaining about how Perak will soon become a pariah state and being part of the NCER project was just merely to avoid public outcry. I am not from Perak so I dont see how it matters. But I guess I just have to agree with TEB.

Bargain hunting for the home

2007-07-28T21:11:00.000+08:00

Went to the household fair in MV to check out the bargains there. I got almost everything I need right now in my house, except for a heavy-duty expresso machine and dish washer, a 4x4 poker table, a mini swimming pool, a chainsaw, a couple of aruana fish for the pond, a full-time chef... bla bla. Ok ok there are still plenty of things I need but for now I'm contented with the house. I saw three things at the fair that I like - a Fargo microwave oven to replace my old one, a steel safe in the size of a mini fridge, a folding autogate mechanism, and a new portable socket system which allows you to add on sockets. The steel safe should be big enough to keep the important documents like our passports, land titles, degree certs, etc and in future my jewelleries in case I decide to undergo a sex-change. I didnt order the autogate cos I'm not sure about the size of my entrance (the house that is, not my body!!) but at least I already know the system that I shud be looking for. Not sure whether I shud get the CCTV system for the house cos I dont expect intruders into my all-male compound, and besides, people can tell from the way I dress that the most valuable thing in my possession is probably my ass, if at all. Phoned TEB about my latest acquisition. He suggested to have hidden cameras in the guest room. Hmm... sounds like a good idea.

Making new friends, without knowing them

2007-07-26T23:30:00.000+08:00

Met a blog reader recently after chatting for quite some time. I dont normally meet blogreaders cos I prefer to be reclusive and discrete. I also dont want to lose readership after I start meeting them. Hehehe. But this time round I just couldnt resist it after seeing his topless body in the profile. We met in KLCC and we had dinner at this nice restaurant called Little Penang Cafe. I wouldve asked him to go to Nippon Tei or Chillis but its off limits cos TEB made me promise not to take other gay guys to those restaurants.

Anyways, as usual, I paid for the dinner. The conversation went ok. We talked about a lot of things but without going into the details. For example, we did share some information about our line of work and office politics, but without naming the organisation. We also talked about the place we stay, without naming the location. We also talked about our interests and hobbies, without categorically naming them. So all in all, it was a superficially good date, although at the end of the day I'm not sure whether I really know the guy.

What gay people do

2007-07-22T23:52:00.000+08:00

Did a bit of work during the weekend. Lately I realised I hardly do gay things even when I'm free from daily routine. The only gay thing I do nowadays is just sex with TEB. Hehehe. And becos we dont really have many gay frens, activities like volleyball, partying and clubbing are just not in our weekly agenda. My strict definition of `gay activities' are things gay people do only with other gay frens, or things that only gay people do. So with that, the scope of gay activities for TEB and me are very very limited. Lets take today for instance, what we did was just stay at home, watched TV, took afternoon nap, and then out for dinner and drinks. Im sure heteros do this too, and its not that I only do this with TEB. My past str8 housemates can vouch on that. So all in all, I'm just a normal guy with simple lifestyle but happens to be gay.

Come dine with us

2007-07-18T23:55:00.000+08:00

Creating an invitation card to a house warming party can be harder than the renovation work on the house itself. TEB and I just couldnt decide how the card should look like. So far we only got it in the form of an A4 size paper, which I consider to be an overwhelmingly large invitation note for just a simple dinner do. We are also contemplating whether to have a buka puasa do instead, since the holy month is coming soon. But I thought there's no need to do buka puasa when u can have a proper open house during Raya. Hmm dunno lar. Its not like we're planning on our child's education or decide what to do with our retirement money. Its just a simple makan-makan with our gay frens. Surely it cant be that difficult.

Anyways, had a chance to watch that famous boy wizard movie again with TEB. I dont think its the best one so far, but I'm sure it is to make way for a better ending in the next two sequels. Its like sex really, you dont necessarily enjoy the entire sex routine, but the ending will always be great.

Meet the PA

2007-07-15T13:37:00.000+08:00

Managed to convince TEB to consider this boy I met from the net. After hours of intense interviews and private meetings, the boy has agreed to give it a try. Once everything is in place, he will move in with us and provide us with the required services. His monetary rewards commensurate with the job description, and I would even say worthwhile considering how degrading it might sound to others. I would describe the boy as very young, not extremely cute but at certain angles he looks a bit like one of those cute AF contestant. TEB was more intrigued with his education background and his previous part time jobs. So at the end of the meeting, TEB and I both agreed to let him come into our lives after his final exams in September.

No, I'm not talking about a sex worker for TEB and me. I'm talking about the new maid. Let me introduce him as our new PA.

The A hole

2007-07-13T07:18:00.000+08:00

This morning after sex with TEB we had an interesting talk and came out with a line that I thot could become a funny quote.

The thing about gay sex is, after a while, an asshole is just an asshole. What's more important is the person as a whole.

I guess that sums up the gay life in general.

Ouwh and btw, happy Friday 13th.

A visit to the bomoh

2007-07-10T06:54:00.000+08:00

"There's trouble from the past that takes away your energy", the bomoh said to me while holding a bowl filled with water, pieces of lime and various other things. I couldnt understand that at first. Then he said, "You probably have done bad things in the past. Whoever cast the spell on you must have hated you so much." He looked at me as if I have all the answers.

"Have you done any unforgiveable sins to anyone?"

I looked at TEB and thot of the naughty things we did in bed. Surely its not that.

I told the bomoh I dont know.

Later that nite we went to the site. The bomoh instructed me to do a few things at the site. Finally he said, "Now your house is protected and cleaned. Nobody can harm you in the house. You are pure."

I didnt feel a thing. TEB just gave a blank face. The house might be free from spells and evil spirits, but I dont think it has released our minds from loving men.

Weekend story...

2007-07-01T13:48:00.000+08:00

Went to La Queen for the first time in my life. For a guy my age, all I do there is just sit at one corner and stare at the cute guys that walk by. And for a guy my age, that alone is already giving me a generous amount of pleasure I can hope for. So when I drove back home with TEB after 3am last nite, I felt a sense of achievement and relief, as if I had done something exciting and meaningful in my life. I slept well that nite. And yes, TEB made a few new frens that nite.

The morning after I had to rush somewhere with the kids. Recall that these kids are not really my kids, but that of my sisters and brothers. They are my alternative retirement plan, other than my EPF, my stock and property investment, and hopefully, TEB. Anyways, one of the kids is going away to further studies so I took them shopping to get the usual provisions and back-to-school materials. I also had a quick look at my house under renovation, still a long way to go and only 100 days to go.

Gay songs for a gay guy

2007-06-29T23:29:00.000+08:00

Whenever I face my PC screen I always put on my music playlist, comprising songs from Gladys Knight to Hoobastank. I even listed Celine Dion and INXS. I like the strings in Dire Straits and the techno songs by Pet Shop Boys. Even Paris Hilton is in my playlist. Other than Jimmy Sommerville, George Michael, Elton John and Erasure, I also have songs by Madonna and KD Lang just to make sure the list is good enough to be labelled as a gay-centric collection. But I often repeat songs by Paul Simon, Michael Bubble and Red Hot Chilli Peppers when I'm intensely surfing or chatting online.

Anyways, I had another one of those arguments with TEB over dinner at Mandarin Oriental just now. He kept reminding me of this guy I used to meet regularly, accusing me of having an affair with this guy, which I'm not. At one point it got almost out of control and we sorta went silent for a few minutes. But being the older guy, which means I'm more mature and have to compromise, I let him have his way and admit my fault. The food was great, but evening went like a yoyo.

The person or the sex?

2007-06-27T22:41:00.000+08:00

Like I said before, I was in a fight with TEB the other day. To cut story short, after the argument he went back to his parents for a few days, leaving me helpless and alone. I couldnt work properly the next two days and all my sms and calls went unanswered. In my mind I knew he just wanted to torture me and see how I can survive without him. Or he probably just wanna give me space to meet new guys. May be then I'll know what I've been missing all this while, if at all. But still, I ended up feeling miserable and devastated without him. I rather have the certainty of being with someone I already love, instead of the uncertainty of meeting someone else who I might not deserve.

Then after two days TEB came back and told me he actually missed me. We had the most intensed sex after that. So intensed I soon forgot whether I missed him or the sex.

In short...

2007-06-23T08:07:00.000+08:00

So what happen all this while? Well, there was a problem with the house and I have decided to rent a place not far from it. Initially I wanted to move some of my stuff there but the roof is still leaking and the plastering not done well. Dont think wanna talk about it until it is properly done.

They say one bad thing follow another. Had a fight with TEB over the status of this boy he's been seeing. I know I'm not the possessive type, but I dont expect him to fark around. But it is now water under bridge, as they say. Again, I dont wish to elaborate here.

Having problems at work, not with the boss but with the subordinate. I normally dont look down on them but for this particular guy, I just couldnt see the light. He thinks he's done a great job and full of creative ideas no one else can think of. I hate to spoil it all but I know sooner or later I have to make him realise that.

That pretty much sums up whats been happening all this while, in order of importance. And much larger in scale than what it seems from this entry. Again, I dont wish to elaborate further without hurting anyone, or anything.

While it lasts...

2007-06-21T22:38:00.000+08:00

I've been too lazy to write. Perhaps this is a good sign. When things go my way, I tend to ignore the past, and forget what helped me most during the difficult times. But still, I'm not gonna give this up. There is no guarantee in life, and nothing lasts forever. I may not have the time to blog now, but who knows what lies ahead.

Born again... now twice as fun

2007-06-09T09:40:00.000+08:00

Well, this is the new blog I'm creating to commemorate the new home. Pretty good excuse to start a new blog and remove the old one dont u think? And this time round, TEB is included. Hehehe. Unfortunately, my life, well, our life is still in transition stage. So right now we cant say much until everythg is settled. Till later.